Please stay seated until the ride comes to a complete stop...

I’m contemplating change, and what the effect of it is. After a year full of change, I sometimes wonder where I’m left after it all. The shape of my anticipated future has morphed and warped so many times that I’m afraid to even look at it anymore. But even though it’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, I can’t say I’ve suffered any sort of tragedy—just what’s to be expected for someone unwilling to let a challenge or opportunity ever pass by.

I find myself praying that God will let me off the rollercoaster—show me now if my newest aspirations or hopes will fall to ruin. I suppose I’m afraid of getting hurt. I feel so fragile these days, and I hate feeling fragile. My mom used to always tell me I was sensitive when I was younger, and I always took great offense to that. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to never show tears. I wanted to be able to take on anything.

But what is strength anyway? Particularly for a Christian? I no longer believe that if I cry sometimes, it makes me weak. Yet at the same time, it’s something I do in private and I always hate myself for it if I slip up in public. So maybe I still am ashamed in some way.

In the face of change, stability comes in the Lord. I know faith in God and in His plan for me is what’s gotten me this far. But there’s still that carnal side of me that wants to hide a bit from the next thrill ride. I won’t, because that’s the way I’ve always been. It may be a struggle against myself, but I’ll always get on again. Maybe that’s what active patience is all about—being willing to face life and give it your all even when you’re not completely sure where the rollercoaster leads yet. I have to believe it will pay off in the end.

I feel a bit skittish today and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the last bits of poison from my recent struggles seeping from my pores so I can move forward uninhibited. I don’t mean to say that the trials themselves are poison, but the fear and doubt that sometimes result. Jesus Christ was ridiculed and persecuted, yet He never shied away from doing the work. How can I shy away from something so simple as living my life and applying myself to both the opportunities and trials God gives me? As a Christian, I can’t. As a carnal human, I can. So I guess what it comes down to is growing in faith and God’s spirit. And as I climb the rollercoaster, all I can do is pray and trust that God knows what He’s doing.

I guess I really am sensitive. It’s still something I hate to admit to.