Latter Rain

Upturned eyes and outstretched hands
Lips parted to kiss the drops of
Latter Rain.
Here, yearning and eager I stand
Waiting for you to fill me with
All You became.

Dance for joy in streamers of living waters
And sparkles of treasured moments with
Your lambs.
Look, the hills once red with the slaughter
Are now white with the harvest of
A new land.

De Brief

I just had a really amazing weekend. A lot more amazing than I expected it to be, considering the circumstances (or one circumstance in particular). Camping in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan with a group of friends harkens me back to those first years of LYC, when I was just learning to express myself socially.

Everyone has their sense of tragedy that they cling to, and mine is that I’m an only child who frequently moved and changed schools as a kid. I rarely had a group of friends for longer than a few years, and always I was facing the harsh judgments and critical eyes of a new set of classmates. My first years of camp gave me a safe place to test my personality amongst others, and to learn that I could contribute to a group. Each year saw more of my shyness (almost crippling at the start) and insecurities fall away.

I still don’t get many opportunities to spend time with groups of friends, or at least, less opportunities than I’d like. So, often after one of these experiences, I expend a lot of energy on self-reflection. I wonder how others perceived my actions and what impression I left. I think about what I’d like to do differently and who I’d like to be in the future.

Usually social situations still give me slight anxiety, but strangely, I had none this weekend. I felt more comfortable with myself than I remember ever really feeling for such an extended time, and as a result, I think my personality came out much more than usual. I think this was because of a combination of factors. Having moved to another country and back, lived on my own, and shown I was willing to make life changing decisions has left its mark on me. It’s made me feel more like a capable adult and less like a child. But another factor that seems to be prevalent is a particular person, and this perplexes me a bit. I’ve never experienced someone bringing me out of me (perhaps even the best of me?) without actually being present. How can someone effect me so drastically so quickly? This is kind of one of those “does not compute” moments and I think I’m better off not trying to analyze it too much. I can’t decide if I’m thrilled or terrified.

Getting back to my reflections on my personality, there are two main areas that I tend to be insecure about. One, which I’ve blogged about before, is my worry that I’m not feminine enough. I know a lot of my interests and hobbies tend to be ones associated with guys and I wonder if some of my personality traits have that tendency too. The other thing I worry about is coming across as annoying or bothersome. I tend to be an extremist with things, so when I’m in to something I’m 100%. I can also be a bit crazy sometimes, especially when I’m happy and hyped on caffeine. I don’t know if this can sometimes become overbearing to others.

I probably spend too much effort thinking about how I’m perceived through the eyes of others. It seems that this could easily be vanity but it could also be consideration for others. Don’t you have to do this to an extent to avoid offending your brother? We are told to examine ourselves, but that is in the context of setting Christ as the example. Hmm. So I guess the difference between staring in the mirror for vanity’s sake and staring in the mirror for self-examination is whether you have Christ standing there behind your shoulder to compare to. That changes the perspective a bit, and maybe instead of focusing on whether my personality is socially acceptable, I should be considering whether my actions are godly. If I strive to treat others with the fruits of the spirit, then the rest should just fall into place.