I'll Kiss the Sky

I ran down the hill with my arms thrown wide open and my heart exposed to the sun. It was euphoric and wonderful. I'd been thinking about flying and how spectacular it would be to pilot a plane, and as I crested that hill the sound of an engine buzzed about me. Squinting through the star-bursts of sunlight through the trees, I saw a small plane rolling and flipping through the air. I stopped and watched as it flew back and forth, flying toward the sun and barrel-rolling back down. It looked like a leaf dancing with the wind. I was enthralled. As pretentious as it might sound, it felt like that plane was there just for me to see, to compliment my earlier dreams of flying. And I wondered, why did it just have to be a dream? I've learned to dive deep into the blue below, why not soar in the blue above? It sounds corny now, but I thought, "I'll kiss the sky before I die" as I finally tore myself away from watching that pilot doing his stunts in blissful freedom. It filled my mind with fantasy the whole run home so that I couldn't even feel the miles go by.

I'm going to learn to fly.

No Regrets

I just saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and it set me to thinking. Thinking about the value of memories and the power of the emotion attached to them. The story is about a man who decides to have his memory erased of a relationship gone wrong, but as he's watching the memories disappear, he realizes he's losing the good with the bad and desperately wants to hold on to the good ones. But he can't. It's all or nothing. Yet even after it all, when the memories are gone, as soon as he sees the girl again, even though he doesn't know he's loved her before, he falls for her all over again. Because, you see, even without the memories, he is still the same person and she is still the same person and they are still drawn to each other.

Lately, I've wished I could erase some of my memories. I feel haunted by them, and I'd rather not have them at all than have to deal with the emotions that go with them. It confuses me because I used to strongly assert that I would always take the good with the bad and never complain, that the bad memories also help shape me and that there are always things that I can learn that can make me stronger.

When did I become such a coward?

I've been running. Trying to hide from the things in myself I don't want to face. I may have been running for a while. I recognize the familiar patterns in myself, the avoidance of anything real. But what if I stopped? What if I stopped and just let everything catch up to me? You can't hide from yourself, and I don't think I want to. I want to be free to be who I am, to be free to be who God made me. So what holds me up?

My will. That's what it is. When things don't turn out as I hope, when I'm disappointed, I have a hard time accepting. I get caught in the broken record loop of trying to figure out how I could have changed it, what I could have done differently. It's a sign of immaturity I think, that I can't accept when things don't go the way I want. It's why my memories sometimes seem to become a web that entangles me, it's why I feel bound, why I can't just be free. My carnal, selfish, nature holds me back.

So I need to let go, to resurrended to God and to His will. Let go of the expectations I've had and the desire to change things. To trust in God and have faith that He knows what He's doing, that He's shaping me into something, and that every experience has value. I don't like being afraid. It makes me angry and unhappy with myself, but the only way to escape these fears is to let God have control and stop trying to grab the reigns myself. I realize this has been my struggle lately.

I have to take the good with the bad. To thank God even for the hurts I've experienced because they teach me things and give me an opportunity to grow. I'm just me. Sometimes I mess up. But I'm learning. And what I've experienced is part of me.

At the end of the movie, the main characters end up deciding to be together even after finding out they had been together in the past, failed to make it work, and had the memories erased. They decided to make exactly the same decisions they made before. Why? Because they needed to. They needed those experiences becasue they were still the same people with the same thoughts and feelings and reactions. God knows the experiences we need.

In the past, I've been asked if I regret things. I always used to say that regret didn't really make sense. Even if I could go back to try to change something with present knowledge, if I changed it, I wouldn't have learned the lessons I know now. I'd be the same person, and as soon as the opportunity arose again, I'd make the same decisions I made originally. So all this regretting I've been doing recently? It's completely out of line with who I am and it is completely useless.

I've written about stuff like this before, I know. I suppose this must be some sort of cycle I go through when dealing with disappointment. But even though I might be sounding repetitive here, I don't think I'm simply looping back to where I've been. Each time I go through this learning cycle I'm a little different, and the lessons go a little deeper. Carnality is hard to change and character development is an intense process. Sometimes God has to beat things into/out of us. And me? I'm a little stubborn. I'm sure I'm not done learning these things.

But anyway, I'm ready to be out of this slump and attack life with all the passion and drive I can muster.

Hello again world.

Does anybody read this?

I'm thinking of ending the blog.

Self-abstracted

Dancing in these tattered rags

I'm here, peeking through

Stitch the holes, patch me up

Plaster of Paris and I'm stiff again.

Who was I then, in those halycon days?

And would I ride the axis of time if I could?

I'm not trying to be cryptic, just ambiguous.

You understand.

Oh, and I don't want to be a pillar of sand.

Streched too far, maybe I'll tear

Grow me back stronger

And try me again

Show me the mountain, I promise to climb

Can't stop in case I don't start again

Momentum taking me, where was I going?

I'm not lost, just finding my way.

You understand.

Oh, and I just don't want to be the giving up sort.

Remember the time I didn't know the answer?

But I do, I think

It was hiding, behind a plastered wall

And I wonder if I should tear it down

And will it grow back stronger

I'm not trying to be sensitive, just cautious

You understand.

Oh, and I don't know if I'm ready yet.

Reflections

There are surprises cradled in every new day. It's the run-up to another Feast, and I can't help but reflect on where I was a year ago--caught up in the tornado trial of preparing to move to Ireland. And here I am... back in the same place but not where I started. I think about the person I am now and the person I was then. I think I've learned some prudence and maybe some patience too.

In some ways I think I'm more spontaneous now. Even the best laid plans don't always yield the results you expect. I follow my impulses more, and in some way, that might make me freer. I'm much more inclined to take off my shoes and run outside in the rain just because I feel like it than I was a year ago.

Everything is a choice. I don't believe in blaming anyone for who I am or what challenges I face. Does it even matter who's at fault? Maybe sometimes I'll suffer trials because of the mistakes others make, and while I may struggle not to point the finger, in the grander scheme of things, it's just another opportunity to grow. It's hard to keep things in perspective. This life is a training ground to teach us the fruits of the spirit and the fruits of corruption. An illustration of right and wrong and the consequences that result. It's a challenge to learn to uphold godly principles in a satan-driven world.

As I enter into another relationship, as I pull down my defenses bar by bar and risk getting hurt, the theme of choice is foremost in my mind. I can choose to be afraid, to pull back, to refuse to get too emotionally involved. Relationships are dangerous stuff after all. But I'd hate myself if I did that, and even worse, I'd be left to regret the chances I didn't take.

Every day and every moment I decide whether to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good employee, and a good Christian. One day I may get married and have kids, and then I'll have to decide to be a good wife and a good mother. The choices never stop.

And so, instead of being afraid, I'll pour that energy into being the best I can be for you. Maybe it will be enough and maybe it won't, but I promise I'll give it all I have. And if one day we part ways, well, there will be more choices to make about who we'll be, but in the end I think we'll make each other better.

I wonder what kind of reflections I'll have a year from now.

Red Bull gives me wings!

So this morning I decided to experience my first Red Bull. That’s right, I’ve never tried one before. I just like coffee so much that I never saw the need for an alternative caffeine source. But this morning, falling asleep at my desk, I decided I was in the mood for something new.

I also decided that I should document this experience.

9:19AM – Just bought my Red Bull. First observation: the can isn’t all that big. That’s a lot of caffeine in a small space. Also, I’m having a hard time restraining myself from repeatedly saying, “Red Bull gives you wings!” with extreme enthusiasm. I’ve already said it about 5 times on my way in with my new purchase. I think I’ve reached the socially acceptable limit. ;-) Also, my co-workers might hurt me if I say it again…

9:21AM – First sip. And the first thing I thought of was anit-freeze. I don’t know why. I’ve never tried drinking anti-freeze… I promise.

9:30AM – Wow. This stuff is like a little can of happy. I feel great. I just got back from the restroom and had an almost uncontrollable urge to skip down the halls. I can’t believe how quickly this is affecting me.

9:35AM – Last sip. Have you ever read the label of promised benefits on a can of Red Bull? Let me enlighten you. 1) “Improves performance, especially during times of increased stress or strain”. Stress and strain?!? Now… I’m a mechanical engineer (news flash!). So, stress and strain mean something very particular to me. What do they think people are doing when they drink this? Let me go draw a Mohr’s circle for my increased acceptable stress and strain limits—this way I can make sure that bridge I’m holding up won’t permanently deform me. 2) “Increased concentration and improved reaction speed”. Yes, I feel very focused right now. Quick, try to punch me and see how fast I react! My spidey sense in tingling—or maybe that’s just a caffeine overdose. 3) “Stimulates the metabolism”. Yay! King-size chocolate bar, here I come!!! Guilt-free! Woohooooooo!

9:58AM – Ahem. I have the giggles. Hehe.

10:09AM – My throat muscles feel tight. I blame it on the glucuronolactone. My body doesn’t know what to do with that many letters.

10:18AM – Almost an hour post-Red Bull. I feel like the high is starting to wear off.

10:53AM – First post-Red Bull yawn.

10:55AM – Somebody stole my wings! Also, I’m tired of writing this blog. It reminds me of why I hate Twitter. Multiple life-updates an hour are tedious for all involved.

11:18AM – Well, that’s that. I’m back to falling asleep at my desk. It was a fun ride though! This concludes my documentation on Red Bull consumption.

Please stay seated until the ride comes to a complete stop...

I’m contemplating change, and what the effect of it is. After a year full of change, I sometimes wonder where I’m left after it all. The shape of my anticipated future has morphed and warped so many times that I’m afraid to even look at it anymore. But even though it’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, I can’t say I’ve suffered any sort of tragedy—just what’s to be expected for someone unwilling to let a challenge or opportunity ever pass by.

I find myself praying that God will let me off the rollercoaster—show me now if my newest aspirations or hopes will fall to ruin. I suppose I’m afraid of getting hurt. I feel so fragile these days, and I hate feeling fragile. My mom used to always tell me I was sensitive when I was younger, and I always took great offense to that. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to never show tears. I wanted to be able to take on anything.

But what is strength anyway? Particularly for a Christian? I no longer believe that if I cry sometimes, it makes me weak. Yet at the same time, it’s something I do in private and I always hate myself for it if I slip up in public. So maybe I still am ashamed in some way.

In the face of change, stability comes in the Lord. I know faith in God and in His plan for me is what’s gotten me this far. But there’s still that carnal side of me that wants to hide a bit from the next thrill ride. I won’t, because that’s the way I’ve always been. It may be a struggle against myself, but I’ll always get on again. Maybe that’s what active patience is all about—being willing to face life and give it your all even when you’re not completely sure where the rollercoaster leads yet. I have to believe it will pay off in the end.

I feel a bit skittish today and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the last bits of poison from my recent struggles seeping from my pores so I can move forward uninhibited. I don’t mean to say that the trials themselves are poison, but the fear and doubt that sometimes result. Jesus Christ was ridiculed and persecuted, yet He never shied away from doing the work. How can I shy away from something so simple as living my life and applying myself to both the opportunities and trials God gives me? As a Christian, I can’t. As a carnal human, I can. So I guess what it comes down to is growing in faith and God’s spirit. And as I climb the rollercoaster, all I can do is pray and trust that God knows what He’s doing.

I guess I really am sensitive. It’s still something I hate to admit to.