When I Grow Up

When I was a kid I wanted four things when I grew up:

1. To go to Ambassador College.
2. To live in a log cabin in the middle of the woods and write novels.
3. To live on a farm and have 8 kids with lots of cows (I love cows--MOOOOO!)
4. To join Starfleet and become a pilot for the Enterprise.

It didn't really matter that some of those options might preclude the others from happening, just like it didn't really matter that Starfleet didn't exist (hey, I was young. There was time for the space program to get up to speed before I'd be ready to enter it). These were just fantasies I had.

I'd still join Starfleet if I could. I think I meet the prerequisites: I'm a total nerd and a total master at the Vulcan "Live long and prosper" sign. I can do it with both hands simultaneously. I wonder if that's a cultural taboo for Vulcans though? Does making the sign with both hands at the same time negate the one-handed sign? Maybe what I'm really saying in Vulcan is "I hope you're poor and die." That's pretty cryptic. Maybe I'll stick to one hand.

Anyway, I remember when I first realized that I wouldn't be able to go to Ambassador. Even after Worldwide went haywire, I think I still believed for a while that things would straighten themselves out. But then I was in high school and it was time to think about colleges and I realized I'd actually have to look for one. That was a weird feeling. I thought I'd had it all planned out.

I went to engineering school to build spaceships. Yes, I know, I'm a dork. But what else was I supposed to do? Starfleet still hasn't been formed yet. Engineering school was rougher than I expected and I fell apart for a long time. I spent my first year in pieces, living away from home for the first time, confused about who I was, and lost. I remember that year in fractures, glints of recollection that I wish I didn't have. I'd do it over if I could, and it's taken me a while to learn to look back on it with a certain calculating numbness rather than regret.

But I learned something. I learned that even if I had gone to Ambassador College, things wouldn't have magically been perfect. I had myself to battle and Satan's influence to combat. I was falling into a dark pit, and I'm so stubborn that it wasn't until I was about to hit the bottom that I finally reached up and asked God for help. Maybe God knew I needed that. Maybe He knew I needed to fall to get up. I'll always choose the hard way rather than the easy way. That's just how I've always been. I'm the kind of person that is an insomniac by choice, just because I'm too stubborn to go to bed.

Why am I reflecting on this now? I guess I'm trying to remember the events that led up to my baptism 3 years ago (3 years?! ...when did that happen?). Sometimes I get distracted and I have to remember the reasons why, you know? I have to remember why I am who I am and how I became this person. It's the only way I can look forward.

This blog is the newest in my chain of blogs. I've used two other blogs previously, so if you ever want to follow the history of me, do it in this order:

www.xanga.com/galaxia_alpha
www.myspace.com/galaxia_alpha
This one.

Yes, the dorky Galaxia Alpha name is the same. I just like to travel around a bit. I don't know how long I'll stick with this blog, or what direction it will go in. My xanga one was a lot of self reflection. My myspace is a lot of more creative writing type stuff. We'll see what happens here.

So about my other two childhood desires for when I grow up...

Anybody want to get married and have 8 kids with me? We can milk the cows as a family.

I still wouldn't mind living in a log cabin and writing novels. I'm working on a story now that I'm really enjoying, but it's fanfiction, which I write a lot of. There's a novel inside of me that wants to be written, and I've tried starting it several times, but I'm just not ready to write it yet. I'll know when the time is right.

This is probably a good time to end this blog, mostly because I need to get ready for church. We're having a public bible study today in New York City. I'll let you all know how that goes.

HUGS FOR EVERYONE! (Live long and prosper).

Toodles,
Rachael