Please stay seated until the ride comes to a complete stop...

I’m contemplating change, and what the effect of it is. After a year full of change, I sometimes wonder where I’m left after it all. The shape of my anticipated future has morphed and warped so many times that I’m afraid to even look at it anymore. But even though it’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, I can’t say I’ve suffered any sort of tragedy—just what’s to be expected for someone unwilling to let a challenge or opportunity ever pass by.

I find myself praying that God will let me off the rollercoaster—show me now if my newest aspirations or hopes will fall to ruin. I suppose I’m afraid of getting hurt. I feel so fragile these days, and I hate feeling fragile. My mom used to always tell me I was sensitive when I was younger, and I always took great offense to that. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to never show tears. I wanted to be able to take on anything.

But what is strength anyway? Particularly for a Christian? I no longer believe that if I cry sometimes, it makes me weak. Yet at the same time, it’s something I do in private and I always hate myself for it if I slip up in public. So maybe I still am ashamed in some way.

In the face of change, stability comes in the Lord. I know faith in God and in His plan for me is what’s gotten me this far. But there’s still that carnal side of me that wants to hide a bit from the next thrill ride. I won’t, because that’s the way I’ve always been. It may be a struggle against myself, but I’ll always get on again. Maybe that’s what active patience is all about—being willing to face life and give it your all even when you’re not completely sure where the rollercoaster leads yet. I have to believe it will pay off in the end.

I feel a bit skittish today and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the last bits of poison from my recent struggles seeping from my pores so I can move forward uninhibited. I don’t mean to say that the trials themselves are poison, but the fear and doubt that sometimes result. Jesus Christ was ridiculed and persecuted, yet He never shied away from doing the work. How can I shy away from something so simple as living my life and applying myself to both the opportunities and trials God gives me? As a Christian, I can’t. As a carnal human, I can. So I guess what it comes down to is growing in faith and God’s spirit. And as I climb the rollercoaster, all I can do is pray and trust that God knows what He’s doing.

I guess I really am sensitive. It’s still something I hate to admit to.

Pinnacle

We stood at the pinnacle of a new day,
Sun cleaning the world and turning the ocean to glass.
I imagine lava-blackened sand warming our toes.
Imagine--because it hasn't happened yet,
And I hear there are rocks on the beaches.
I wonder what we'll think in those captured moments,
Suspended in time by the dreamers still in their beds,
But not too much--because it hasn't happened yet,
And I want it to be a surprise.
Will it seem that the Kingdom has descended around us?
God's spirit enhancing every exhaled breath.
There is a timid anticipation of expectation,
But not too much--because it hasn't happened yet,
And I want the moments to bring themselves.
So if we do stand there one day,
Watching the sunrise on the tropical shore,
I'll smile and look at you with thanks,
But not yet--because it hasn't happened yet,
And now is the time for hope.

The Year of the Rollercoaster

A sense of euphoria colors the paint on the walls brighter
And I wonder if it's real,
Hoping the high-noon sun won't burn it away
And leave something faded and pealed.
Inquisitively hopeful on my knees I pray
And tell God I'll wait and see.
Active patience will bring me
To where I need to be.

In the Whirlwind

Confusion. The blown leaves of past emotions gathering at the door, impeding its swing as I stand there, hesitant about whether it should even be opened. Sometimes I feel handicapped by the passions that grow so easily inside of me and sometimes I want to stand beneath the caress of the sun and scream. Impatience. Show me the end before the beginning and I'll make the journey all it can be. Catch 22 because the journey is made by the mystery ahead. But I just don't want to wait to find out that I'm wrong. Fear. Often denied but always present. Are my steps too quick and am I all I need to be? Always the threat of coming up short. I have before. Stubbornness. I'll open the door and let the leaves blow through, step quickly inside and scream as I do. When I fall, there will be scars and pain, but I'll always be quick to get up again. Limping on in an attempt to redeem, but hoping for someone on which to lean.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Standing on the porch, watching the rain fall--not the soft diamond-drops of an overcast day, but the violent downpour of a desperate, emotional storm--she turns to me with absolute calm. "It's alright; there's beauty in the breakdown."

I look back at the rain, ripping through the grass lawn and leaving puddles of mud to flash back reflections of lighting. They are song lyrics that have been stuck in my head for days. "I love the rain," I say. The lyrics are true. Emotional drama today, but new beginnings tomorrow. Tomorrow the grass will be greener, the trees fuller--reaching toward a sun that seems as if it will always shine.

"Jonah was shipwrecked and in the belly of a great fish for three days and nights, but afterwards..." Her voice is lost in the crying of the wind.

"...But afterwards, a whole nation repented."

"Do you fear the storm?"

Do I? I have to think about this. "I always say I'll take the good with the bad."

She laughs. "That's something people say in good times."

And now? In the middle of this whirlwind of lightning and thunder? Despite the rain, I can hear voices from inside the house. Trickles of laughter and memories of smiles. I know them, all of them. They make me feel warm despite the cool dampness of the air. God says to fear nothing but Him. God speaks in the gentle quiet of those voices. Together we are stronger.

"No, I don't fear it."

"But it hurts, right?"

I close my eyes, let the full force of my deeper emotions take me. "Yes. It hurts."

She is quiet now. I open my eyes again, take a step toward the front steps. A fine spray of water prickles my skin. The trees bend at impossible angles with the force of the wind, but somehow, they stay standing. It is beautiful, in its way. The powerful energy of it, the strength of the things that survive, the reshaping of the world in the turmoil of a short time, and the hope of tomorrow. The confidence that the sun really will shine again. And then? What then? Endless possibilities and an overflowing of adventure. And eventually... the Kingdom.

I won't be afraid. The rain won't wash me away. I was here before and I'll be here after, rebuilt into something better. I nod to her and smile, despite it all. And then, I step out into the rain.

It's alright; there's beauty in the breakdown.

Latter Rain

Upturned eyes and outstretched hands
Lips parted to kiss the drops of
Latter Rain.
Here, yearning and eager I stand
Waiting for you to fill me with
All You became.

Dance for joy in streamers of living waters
And sparkles of treasured moments with
Your lambs.
Look, the hills once red with the slaughter
Are now white with the harvest of
A new land.

De Brief

I just had a really amazing weekend. A lot more amazing than I expected it to be, considering the circumstances (or one circumstance in particular). Camping in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan with a group of friends harkens me back to those first years of LYC, when I was just learning to express myself socially.

Everyone has their sense of tragedy that they cling to, and mine is that I’m an only child who frequently moved and changed schools as a kid. I rarely had a group of friends for longer than a few years, and always I was facing the harsh judgments and critical eyes of a new set of classmates. My first years of camp gave me a safe place to test my personality amongst others, and to learn that I could contribute to a group. Each year saw more of my shyness (almost crippling at the start) and insecurities fall away.

I still don’t get many opportunities to spend time with groups of friends, or at least, less opportunities than I’d like. So, often after one of these experiences, I expend a lot of energy on self-reflection. I wonder how others perceived my actions and what impression I left. I think about what I’d like to do differently and who I’d like to be in the future.

Usually social situations still give me slight anxiety, but strangely, I had none this weekend. I felt more comfortable with myself than I remember ever really feeling for such an extended time, and as a result, I think my personality came out much more than usual. I think this was because of a combination of factors. Having moved to another country and back, lived on my own, and shown I was willing to make life changing decisions has left its mark on me. It’s made me feel more like a capable adult and less like a child. But another factor that seems to be prevalent is a particular person, and this perplexes me a bit. I’ve never experienced someone bringing me out of me (perhaps even the best of me?) without actually being present. How can someone effect me so drastically so quickly? This is kind of one of those “does not compute” moments and I think I’m better off not trying to analyze it too much. I can’t decide if I’m thrilled or terrified.

Getting back to my reflections on my personality, there are two main areas that I tend to be insecure about. One, which I’ve blogged about before, is my worry that I’m not feminine enough. I know a lot of my interests and hobbies tend to be ones associated with guys and I wonder if some of my personality traits have that tendency too. The other thing I worry about is coming across as annoying or bothersome. I tend to be an extremist with things, so when I’m in to something I’m 100%. I can also be a bit crazy sometimes, especially when I’m happy and hyped on caffeine. I don’t know if this can sometimes become overbearing to others.

I probably spend too much effort thinking about how I’m perceived through the eyes of others. It seems that this could easily be vanity but it could also be consideration for others. Don’t you have to do this to an extent to avoid offending your brother? We are told to examine ourselves, but that is in the context of setting Christ as the example. Hmm. So I guess the difference between staring in the mirror for vanity’s sake and staring in the mirror for self-examination is whether you have Christ standing there behind your shoulder to compare to. That changes the perspective a bit, and maybe instead of focusing on whether my personality is socially acceptable, I should be considering whether my actions are godly. If I strive to treat others with the fruits of the spirit, then the rest should just fall into place.